This is not that.
This is not that.
This is now.
This is not then.
It hurts a little now.
It hurt a lot then.
I’m healthier now.
But I was strong then.
And I’m even stronger now.
Yesterday, I had to have a midline placed—because that’s what my body needs whenever I need an MRI with contrast. My vasculature has been shredded by years of IVs, midlines, and PICC lines. There are only so many usable veins left.
The bruise is small.
But the memory it awakened is not.
My mind has been flashing back and forth between images—the ache in my arm now, and the sight of myself in that hospital bed, hooked up to tubes, fighting to stay.
Back
and
forth.
Back and forth.
The mind reels. The body remembers.
Be still.
Calm the water.
Stay the ship.
I am steady. I am here.
This is not that. This is not then.
I let myself feel the ache.
I let the tears come.
But I didn’t stay stuck in the past.
I breathed. I anchored. I returned.
Because healing isn’t about pretending it never happened. It’s about recognizing that it did—and knowing I’m still here.
Still healing. Still whole. Still here.
Have you ever had a moment where your body remembered something before your mind did?
What grounds you when the past tries to pull you back?
What does healing mean to you—right now, in this season?
If you haven’t already, please read my recent guest essay on
’s lovely substack:
And another recent guest essay contribution on
’s:
Have you ever read The Body Keeps the Score? It’s about PTSD and a bit clinical but it awakened in me the ways grief had impacted my body about 5 years after my sister passed. Such an incredible resource! 🤍
After letting go of something pretty big to me this year (and of course following the Lord's will), I find my body going through a lot of anxiety (with lots of past-stuff that I thought I already overcame lol - it's so frustrating honestly 😤😫). So this post resonates with me because I'm still trying to figure it out.
But what remains the same to me is that learning about Jesus steadies me and my soul...and I'm trying to understand what that looks like to me now. What healing with/through Jesus looks like....not then, but now. ♥️
Thanks for sharing, Melissa. You are a warrior woman! 😭