Thought Loop

I find it hard to gather my thoughts into a long, seamless, continuous stream lately.

By lately, I mean post-stroke (P.S.). So, for the past 2 years, and even a bit before, journaling, writing, processing, has been very hard and non-existent for long stretches of time. My earliest memories of trying to journal P.S. are of telling Nick what to write down for me and he’d record these things in his Notes app. He’d write down questions I had for doctors, things I wanted to make sure to remember to mention to them, dreams I would have, things I would remember from my Near Death Experiences, and lists of things that would just run on repeat in my fragile mind that needed to be released somehow. And he’d write it down for me when I physically and cognitively wasn’t able to.

Now that I’m “back”, I can write my own notes. It’s a slow process coming “back” from a stroke. You’re never really the same after any type of Near Death Experience. I’ve joked with the kids a few times when I’ve done something I haven’t in awhile and say “mama’s coming back y’all!” and we all laugh and it’s funny. But, really, I find the term “coming back” to be a little stress inducing for me. I’m not the same and never will be the same and thank God I’m not the same, but also, please God help me be the same in some things, and thank you God that I’m here, but also, please, please God, help me get through this because it’s so hard to be here.

So many things are just so loaded and heavy. There doesn’t feel like there are simple answers any more and yet, it really comes down to the simple things in life that joy is found in. I’m “fine” and “good” and so thankful I’m alive and then sometimes I’m also not. But mostly I am. And we have a big house now, and Nick’s got his big boy dream job, and we’re living what we’ve dreamed of and worked towards for 7 years. There is so much love and joy and happiness that my eyes leak. And also, when I’m in the middle of a flare up with some of my health conditions, I forget. I used to wonder how can people who have Seen miraculous things forget? How can you just forget? You can. Until you remember again.

And so what I’m trying to say is, it’s often hard to gather my thoughts into a long, seamless, cohesive, continuous stream.